Communication is essential for any healthy and happy relationship, but sometimes it’s hard to do.
For example, sometimes I want my husband’s attention, but I don’t want to have to verbally ask for it. All I want is for him to magically read my mind or to have a sudden urge to want to give me all the attention in the world. Is that too much to ask? (The answer is yes, Kami. That is asking too much.)
I realized that the real problem for me was learning how to communicate my needs without feeling like I’m being needy. I wanted SO DESPERATELY to be the perfect wife and I wanted my husband to be happy all the time. I used HIS happiness as a measure of my success.
However, I made this false assumption: Whatever Tarron is doing right now, he is choosing to do it because that is maximizing his joy. Under this assumption, I never wanted to interrupt what Tarron was doing because he must be super happy and I’m an amazing wife! Right?
Well… Having this mindset, let me tell you what I used to do. Then I’ll get to what I do now.
Past me would go sit in my bed and wait. I’d reason to myself that if Tarron wants to spend time with me (if that will maximize his joy), then he will come over and do it… Meanwhile, Tarron is playing games or writing — minding his own business — and assuming that if I wanted to hangout with him I’d go over and say something or sit near him. One hour passes. Two hours pass. We are both waiting for the other. Three hours pass, then Tarron comes over and by that time I’m insecure and mad, thinking his computer is way more fun than me. I have already convinced myself that I am boring and unpleasant and that my needs don’t matter (because being needy will make me even more unattractive than I already feel). My evening is ruined and I’m sulking. I’m a sulker!
In this scenario, COMMUNICATION HAPPENED TOO LATE! I’m already in a bad place mentally and it is a hard recovery.
Let’s jump forward in time. I’ve learned that Tarron is a happy guy, my assumption was wrong, and I’m still a great wife. Now if I want Tarron’s attention, I do one of these things:
- I may just sit by him and scroll on my phone or do a project near him.
Sometimes just being near Tarron is enough attention for me. This has happened more as I have developed hobbies of my own and become more independent (which seems odd that I’d become more independent as a married person, but it’s true. I’m becoming more confident, developing more as a person, and discovering my own likes and dislikes)
2. I sit by him and say “Can we hang out when you are done?”
This one is really effective because now he knows I want to spend time with him, but I am still being respectful of his time and hobbies because I’m letting him finish what he is working on. This may seem like a no-brainer to you, but it didn’t come naturally to me at first. I had to learn and practice this phrase. I never wanted to interrupt Tarron when he was doing something he enjoyed, but I learned Tarron finds joy in pretty much everything he does so I can’t let that stop me from saying something.
3. I’ll run up from behind Tarron and give him a long hug.
This form of communication is good when I’m worried if Tarron has his microphone on and I don’t want other people to hear my neediness. This is a nice way of letting him know I’m around and I may need something. Tarron usually says, “Hey! Whatcha up to?” when I give long hugs and this gives me an opportunity to communicate what I’m feeling.
4. I’ll figure out a new way to communicate my need for attention.
Be prepared for a funny list of ways that I have passively communicated with my husband:
- Play the song “Mr Lonely” on every speaker in the house (a funny favorite)
- Say, “I think we need dessert.” Then you get to make dessert together and eat it! So much quality time… and sugar.
- Give him a lot of attention while he is doing his activity! Ask questions. Make comments. This one may have multiple side effects. Either, he loves the attention and your evening becomes talking a lot about his activity (which works — he will feel loved and you won’t feel lonely) OR he becomes annoyed and asks you to leave him alone BUT then you can say, “Sorry, I just wanted to spend time with you.” with pouty eyes and you win because then he will feel bad and wrap it up soon to spend time with you. So, win win! Just kidding. I do not advise you to plan manipulation… Or do I? Haha. Do what works for you and your spouse. But be forewarned. Males are smart and they will use that tactic on you later! It’s only fair.
- Wear something flirty and flirt!
- Be blunt in a funny way:
Me: “Love, I have a story for you!”
Him: “Hold on one second.” — Gets to a point where he can listen
Me: Respectfully waiting
Him: “Go ahead.”
Me: “So there was this one time that I was sitting next to you, and I really wanted to do something together, but I wanted it to be your idea, and this may or may not be that time right now… Please.” *Insert weird smile*
Him: Smirks “Okay, let me just finish up. I think it would be fun to [insert activity here]”
I’m sure I could go on and on with funny ways I’ve communicated, but the point is: it’s important to find ways that you feel comfortable communicating your needs to your spouse while still being respectful and thoughtful of your spouse.
I learned over time that my husband enjoys having something to do. If nothing is planned, then by default he will find a quiet independent activity to do. This doesn’t mean that he isn’t open to doing something else with me because he loves spending time with me! I just need to find a way that I’m comfortable communicating my needs to him.
If I would’ve learned better communication skills earlier, it would’ve saved me a lot of tissues.
…….
And as for the Mr. Lonely song, I WOULD recommend. That one had us both laughing pretty hard so you might get some happy crying tissues from that one!
