This past summer I planned a White-Water Rafting trip for me and my husband, Tarron. I was so excited because it was something I really wanted to do before having kids (check that off my bucket list) and I knew it would be awesome! And it WAS awesome! We had steak for dinner on the beach by the water. We had a motorized raft so we could focus on site seeing. It felt bougie and I loved it…
The second morning of the trip, however, was a little bit of a rough patch. The River Guides did their morning wake up call saying breakfast would be ready soon. At this point, I’m not really wanting to leave the warmth and comfort of my sleeping bag, but I slowly sit up and try to mentally prepare myself to pack up and go. Suddenly, after wiping my nose with the back of my hand, I realize my nose is bleeding. I am kinda panicked because I don’t want to get blood on the company’s sleeping bag (or anything else) and so I frantically call over to Tarron who’s still buried in his sleeping bag on the other cot, “My nose is bleeding! Can you hand me a tissue?”, but he didn’t move. (Only Tarron packed tissues so note to future self — Bring your own tissues!).
Since he didn’t move, I say with a little more gusto “Tarron, I NEED A TISSUE”. Then Tarron seems to move as slowly as a slug to get me a tissue. Once he hands it to me, I blow my nose and there is all this blood and Tarron says, “Oh, your nose is bleeding.” and I say “YEAH, that’s what I said!” (Code: You don’t listen to me!). Then, Tarron was short with me and said “Oh, SORRY!” in the most aggressive and offensive way possible.
After that, few words were spoken. I think I said one more thing like, “We already needed to be up anyway because the guides called us for breakfast”, but we were both emanating strong cold-shoulder vibes. You could probably see the passive aggressiveness and cut it, but not very well because it was THICK. This is what I saw: Tarron was short with me after ignoring/not listening to me. He stopped talking to me and he didn’t help me pack up my stuff like he normally would.
SOOO, with that hanging over us I do what I usually do when we “fight” — I shut down. I don’t talk, I look sad, I avoid his help, and I think. And, oh boy, my brain goes down a rabbit hole!
Here is my thought process: Why on earth would I wake Tarron to ask for a tissue unless I NEEDED a tissue? He knows I am reasonable and therefore, even if he didn’t hear the bleeding part (as he claims), he should assume there is an important need and try to help me urgently. You know what? Tarron has been short with me before when he has been tired and we want kids in a year or so. When we have kids we’ll never be happy again because I’ll have needs, we’ll both be tired, and he is going to be mean and unhelpful. I don’t think we will make it together as parents. I know that Tarron is stubborn and so maybe I made a bad choice. Maybe I would’ve been happier with someone else!
WOW, that escalated quickly! Welcome to my anxious brain! I’m sure that whenever I shut down, Tarron is thinking, “Here we go again!” I know that he gets frustrated because I become overly sensitive and it takes me a long time to recover from contention. And let me be clear, Tarron and I hardly fight! This doesn’t happen often and so I feel like because it doesn’t happen often, I am not equipped to cope with it when it does happen. I’d say that we are kind to each other 99% of the time, but when the 1% happens my anxious brain tells me this must be the new norm and I should be very concerned because my marriage will be at stake (very dramatic). But despite my recognition of the dramatic I still have these thoughts and feelings.
Returning to the story, after a little bit of time — pretty much the time it took us to silently eat breakfast — I started a conversation with Tarron and I remember it distinctly. I started with “I’m worried” and then I talked about the rabbit hole of thoughts that I went through and Tarron also shared his thoughts. This was MY take away from the things we discussed and what I want to work on to help my relationship during conflict -
- I need to try to keep my spouse informed until I’m ready to communicate. This doesn’t sound like it makes sense, but I promise it does. I am GREAT at not saying anything I’d regret because my natural or instinctive reaction is that as soon as emotions are high I stop talking and shut down. This is not fair for Tarron though. He is getting the silent treatment and he doesn’t know how long it will last! So, I now try to make informative comments like, “I’m thinking”, “I feel sad, but I’m trying to figure out why”, “I’m having an emotional response to that”, or “I need a few minutes, I will come back when I’m ready to talk”. That way Tarron knows what I am going to do and he doesn’t feel like he has to guess or try to read my mind (because let’s face it, he can’t. Otherwise he would’ve gotten me the tissue sooner!)
- I need to try to step back and analyze my own emotional response. This one is hard to do in the moment when emotions are high, but it is necessary. This step is when I tell myself that my thought process doesn’t match the greater picture. Tarron being short with me once in a blue moon does not merit the thought that our marriage is doomed. That’s simply ridiculous. That doesn’t mean my feelings aren’t real, but I need to correct my thought process and try to control the urge to fear or assume the worst.
- Sometimes I need to ask Tarron about how he feels BEFORE I say how I feel, and sometimes I should be the one to apologize first. This was the BIGGEST lesson I learned on this rafting trip. From Tarron’s point of view, I was mean first. He hadn’t even fully woken up yet and he was confused when I snapped at him. I hadn’t even considered my tone. I truly felt like a victim until Tarron shared his perspective. And Tarron, being the awesome guy that he is, almost always lets me talk first and as a result, Tarron is always the first to apologize. But that can feel draining when you see a pattern where you always have to apologize first and you feel like you are always having to take the high road. So, I learned that it can be helpful to switch it up. If Tarron and I are both getting short with each other, after we cool down for a bit, sometimes I can come back and say, “I’m sorry I was short with you, how are you feeling?” and then I will be able to express myself after I listen.
These are just a few pieces of advice that I wish I could’ve given myself sooner to spare myself some tissues. Thanks for reading! See you next time!
