This is a story about a bath, a miscommunication that was resolved, too much information, and advice I’d give myself.
THE BEGINNING
The other day was a hard day. I had texted Tarron, “I’m going to need a therapy hug when I get home,” and he knew exactly what that meant. When I got home, he sat on the couch and then I sat on top of him and we hugged while I talked about my day. Luckily, I didn’t cry, but we sat there and we hugged and talked for about 5–10 minutes — doing this really helps to soothe me and to help me to feel peace when I’m frustrated or anxious. It’s one of the coping mechanisms that I’ve learned works for me and Tarron is more than willing to help.
CHOICE OF WORDS
When I finally felt better, I moved and sat beside him and we just talked for a bit longer.
Then Tarron said, “I want to go take a bath, but I don’t want to leave you.”
I thought, that’s so sweet of him to say! He knows I had a hard day and he doesn’t want me to be alone… At this point I’m feeling good and I don’t mind being alone so I responded, “It’s okay. Go ahead and take your bath.”
Tarron looked SO CONFUSED. He sat there for a minute and then said, “Oh! I get your response now. I mean that I, talking about myself, don’t want to be apart from you. I was trying to figure out why your response was kinda mean.”
YOU GUYS! My heart just about melted. I thought, “My husband doesn’t want to leave me!! And it’s not out of trying to be selfless and kind for my sake (a nice way of saying out of pity), but because HE WANTS to be near me!?!?!”
Hello boost of self-esteem! That really spoke volumes to me! I definitely went, “Awwwwwwe!” and gave him a big kiss and then I apologized for my ignorant response because looking at my response based on what Tarron meant — I was pretty cold-hearted:
Tarron: “I want to do this other activity, but I don’t want to leave you cause I’d miss you”
Me: “Eh, I’m good. You go do your thing. I’m gonna stay here.”
Pretty sure that was the conversation in Tarron’s head, until he remembered: Kami is insecure and always feels like a burden even though she isn’t. I bet you she thought I didn’t want to leave her alone for her sake.
— And you were right, Tarron! You were right!
That misunderstanding was so funny because we were both trying to be kind and loving, but there was still miscommunication for a moment. We both laughed about it (and you bet your boots that I sat on the bathroom floor next to him while he soaked in the tub!), but it was a good reminder that one’s choice of words is important and they can affect the other person’s interpretation and understanding of the conversation.
If Tarron had said, “I want to do this other activity, but I still want you to be around because I’d miss you otherwise,” then I would’ve responded, “I’ll go be near you! I’d love that.”
That conversation would’ve been crystal clear!
WATCHING PATTERNS OF ACTION
Going another level deeper, Tarron would’ve HAD to have used clearer words for me to understand what he meant because I didn’t have enough context clues to guess that Tarron wanted me to be near him while he soaked in the bath because we are very different people!
Traditionally, in our relationship I am fine with being alone, but I don’t prefer it. I always welcome Tarron’s company. Whether I’m taking a bath or a shower, cleaning, even pooping — if Tarron wanted to be in my company, “Sure! Yes! Always!” I don’t love being alone. My “me time” could always include Tarron’s presence.
To clarify, I do not follow Tarron around like a helpless puppy always trying to be near him, but if I choose to watch a video on the couch or do a craft, I can always be interrupted by or joined by Tarron and I’d love it. If I miss Tarron, I’ll walk over and check out what he is doing.
Tarron, however, enjoys (needs) some alone time. He does not enjoy talking to me through the door while he is pooping (which seems reasonable) and he enjoys listening to a podcast or something nerdy and awesome while he showers — using his awesome waterproof bluetooth headphones- and so that’s his “me time” quite often…
Now, I’m happy to give him space because I love him and I want to respect his boundaries even though I don’t share them myself, but with that being said, when he said he wanted a bath, I imagined he wanted to soak and close his eyes and have some peace and quiet or to listen to a nerdy business podcast because that is his norm — and so when he said, “I don’t want to leave you”, I totally thought he meant for my sake. I didn’t understand that he wanted me to keep him company and talk to him while he soaked in the bath until we cleared up our misunderstanding later in our conversation.
CONCLUSION
This funny little story about a misunderstanding we had recently was a good reminder to me that 1) misunderstandings are bound to happen sometimes, even when we are trying to be loving and 2) I can limit misunderstandings by being more mindful about my choice of words.
These are some tips that I have given myself to work on because if funny misunderstandings can happen so easily, then so can hurtful ones and I want to work on avoiding those if I can:
- Learn from your mistakes. If you weren’t clear during a conversation and it led to a misunderstanding, then trace back to the phrase or part of the conversation where the confusion happened. Pinpoint what was said and then think of a better way to say that same thing. You can provide more explanation or rephrase what you said. Doing this will help you to naturally speak more clearly in future conversations.
- Allow yourself time to think before you respond if you especially want to avoid a misunderstanding. Think about what you mean to say, and then find the nicest and clearest way to express that. If you need to talk out loud to figure out what you mean or want to say, then make sure your spouse is aware that you are still trying to figure out what you want to express. Perhaps some back and forth clarifying questions and statements can help.
- Try to adjust your communication tactics to fit the person you are communicating with based on what works! This tends to happen naturally (you communicate very differently with your best friend versus a parent… or a stranger), but it’s helpful to remember and intentionally make adjustments when you know certain tactics work. For example, I am more blunt with Tarron if it’s important to me. One day I may want dessert, but I’m feeling bloated and gross and so I want Tarron to decide whether we have dessert or not. I want him to understand the weight of this decision so instead of just saying, “Should we have dessert tonight?” I want it to be clear, “Babe. I’m feeling gross, but I kinda really want dessert and I kinda want you to want dessert. Do you want dessert?” Tarron can confidently say the right answer to that question which is “YES” — or he could try to convince me otherwise, but that could take a lot of work — because this wasn’t a day where I could take or leave dessert, dessert was an emotional need at that point. Those types of things are very important to be clear on because it would’ve put a damper on my mood if Tarron had said “no”, especially without a good reason, about dessert on that particular night. If it’s important to you, figure out how you can be very clear. Sometimes a good analogy works too!
- Try to be engaged in the conversation and not distracted. Providing your full attention enables one to better reflect and understand what the other person is saying (and meaning) so you can engage and have an appropriate and thoughtful response. If your spouse is distracted, maybe wait or let them know you’d like to talk when they are finished.
- ALWAYS BE KIND. I feel very fortunate that my latest misunderstanding was something silly. I love to write about light-hearted things! But, when I have a bad day and then there is a misunderstanding that makes me mad or extremely sad, the thing that really helps me the most is to remember to be kind.
I adjust my tone. I try to de-escalate. If I need to, I pause. I remind myself that I love my husband more than any other person and that he loves me — because in all honesty most misunderstandings happen with the ones you love and see most often, but that is natural… What isn’t natural is anyone trying to successfully solve a problem or make anything better by being angry or volatile or mean. Meanness begets anger and anger begets hostility. The only way that misunderstandings or conflict can be resolved or at least become a constructive conversation is when there is kindness.
- Sometimes that means giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt and thinking about what they meant. In our silly misunderstanding the other day, Tarron was able to deduce what I meant because he thought about it in a way that assumed I was trying to be kind. That misunderstanding was resolved quickly because he was right. I was trying to be kind and he gave me the benefit of the doubt.
- Sometimes that means you have to initiate kindness to de-escalate. If Tarron and I both disagree and there seems to be a misunderstanding somewhere, but we are both mad and the conversation isn’t heading in the right direction, then one of us will have to initiate some kindness. (I never wait for Tarron to do it, I’m happy to do it, but sometimes he does beat me to it.) Whether it’s trying to better understand the other person’s perspective and WHY they feel that way, or changing your tone, or complimenting the other person or reminding them about how much you love them or doing all those things!… Kindness needs to be the new mindset in the conversation. - Laugh about the past misunderstandings. I find it beneficial to once in a while say “Remember when…” and then Tarron and I talk about our past misunderstandings or arguments in a non-emotional way. This gives us an opportunity to reflect, remember, and laugh about them, but not only that — it gives hope for the future because you’ve overcome an obstacle that was difficult in the moment, but now you can laugh about it and learn and grow from it! That’s an accomplishment worth looking back on and being proud of!
These are just a few tips that have helped me during the little misunderstandings (and the big ones) in my relationship. Working on them has definitely made me feel happier and I feel like both Tarron and I have grown a lot in our relationship even within this past year. I hope this was helpful OR at the very least entertaining to read! See you next time!
