Trigger Warning: My Trying to Get Pregnant Story and My Miscarriage
This is my story! An explicit account of my physical experience, my emotions, and what I’ve been going through. My hope is to talk openly about a taboo subject to help educate on what could happen or to help someone else feel less alone.
Note: This is my journal. I change between past tense and present tense a couple times in this. That’s because many of the pieces I wrote in the moment, and some of the details I’ve filled in looking back. So when you read a piece in present tense, know that it’s my true, honest, in-the-moment emotions you’re getting a glimpse at.
Before I Got Off Birth Control — An Introduction
I was married at 19 years old. I was young and I knew I was young. I definitely felt ready to be married, but when people asked me if I wanted kids soon, I reacted with “Gross!”, “Nah.”, and “I’m good.”
I felt like a baby myself! I wasn’t about to have a baby! Of course, I knew I wanted to be a mother someday, but that would be way far in the future!
This attitude lasted for about 4 years. Then, something changed. I had been graduated from college for a year, I no longer felt satisfied with my job and I wanted a change to feel like I was still progressing as a person. I analyzed where I was at: I had a good marriage, I was 23, I could go back to school to get my Master’s Degree, but I didn’t feel ready to do that, and I realized that eventually I’d want kids and grandchildren… so I decided that having kids now was how I wanted to start progressing! It started as a very logical decision because once I decide something I get very emotionally invested in it. I know this about myself and so I did my homework first. Am I ready for this commitment? The hardships? The joys?
With that in mind, I did not get off birth control right away. I made a “pre-baby bucket list” to complete first. That bucket list included: whitewater rafting, horseback riding, and skydiving — all activities that would be hard or impossible to do with young children, but that I REALLY wanted to do!
I wanted to do this so I could feel like I’d “lived” and had fun before having kids. Because you can STILL have fun with kids, but it’s A LOT harder and I wanted some easy fun first. It was a really good choice for me.
I was able to finish my bucket list within a couple months during the summer of 2020, which was surprising because of the Covid-19 Pandemic, but I was determined to finish my bucket list even if adjustments had to be made.
This made it possible for me to get off birth control in September after my period, which started September 15th, 2020.
Getting Off Birth Control — The Start to Trying
Let me tell you, I was SO excited to be off birth control and to have a baby and I was an eager beaver. I started looking into calendars to guesstimate ovulation so I could time everything right and I googled the old wives tales to see if there were any tricks I wanted to try just for fun to get pregnant right away… (Very unlike past me).
When I hadn’t had a period 4 ½ weeks later I was so excited to take a pregnancy test because I thought, “My period is late! I must be pregnant!” Nope. Negative pregnancy test and my period started a week later (Oct 21st). I thought, “That’s okay. I can’t expect it to happen right away.”
Another 5 weeks passed without a period — I was excited, but less eager this time because of my experience last month. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I knew I was just waiting for my period. At 6 weeks I was a little discouraged. After 7 weeks, I was convinced that my body was broken… I was disappointed. At 7 ½ weeks my period came (Dec 13th)! I have never been so excited to menstruate because my body was working!
In January, I was convinced I was pregnant because I was cramping, tired, and I had occasional nausea for like 3 days in a row and my period was late! I took a pregnancy test. Negative.
My attitude was becoming more negative too. I decided that for the next couple months, I wouldn’t necessarily be trying as hard to get pregnant. It’s too disheartening to get so hopeful and then get so disappointed and afraid that something may be wrong with me. (My period started January 24th.)
In February 2021, I didn’t have a period, but I wasn’t surprised or worried because my cycles are irregular anyway. Since I’ve had a 38 day, 53 day, and 42 day cycle so far, I’m not expecting anything to happen til mid March. It’s a little annoying and discouraging to have to wait so long each time to know whether I’m pregnant or not, but I tell myself that my little baby has to be born at just the right time to meet their perfect soulmate. Maybe their soulmate needs to be born first and so I have to wait? Having this frame of mind is helping me to be patient. Maybe it’ll take my body a super long time to be regular because of divine destiny? As a further comfort, and to have something to look forward to since having a baby is not a guarantee, my husband and I decided that if I can’t get pregnant within a year, then we’ll take a trip to Disneyworld! I am looking forward to having something to look forward to!!
To My SURPRISE! I Found Out I Was Pregnant!
Tuesday, March 9, 2021 around 10am I took a pregnancy test. It was positive!!! I honestly did not think I could be pregnant (I thought it was too soon to be having pregnancy symptoms based on my previous cycles) but I had irrefutable symptoms that sounded like pregnancy beginning on Friday March 5th. Every day I had nausea on and off all day. In the mornings I would dry heave, feeling like I had to puke but I never did. Only mellow foods sounded appealing. I had breast tenderness. I felt so miserable and because I had the same symptoms for so many days in a row, I felt compelled to take a pregnancy test just to rule it out. But when I saw two lines (that it was a positive pregnancy test), I started to cry. First because I was so happy and thrilled. But secondly, I was so relieved that I could understand why I was sick. I was no longer worried about digestive issues being a problem or some other health issue. My sickness now had a cause and a purpose and it made it okay. After 6 months of trying, I’m pregnant!!
I have been enjoying frozen fruit and ramen. I’ve also been unbelievably thirsty all the time and am drinking water more than I ever have before.
It’s Saturday March 20th, I am documenting that I have still been nauseous every day. I have puked a couple times since finding out I was pregnant and I have also experienced cramping, breast swelling, and all sorts of discomforts. I have been enjoying sour gummy candies, gogurts, french fries, and sugary breakfast cereals. My diet is every toddler’s dream! I have been avoiding eggs and salsa. It is difficult to exercise. I try to go for a walk or elliptical for at least 15–20 minutes a day, but I often don’t feel well enough to do even that. It’s all worth it though. I’m excited to have a baby.
Finding Out It Was Over
Tuesday, March 30th, 1:20pm I went to the doctor for my first check-up appointment. (I was around 9 weeks along.) It felt very routine. I filled out some paperwork and met my doctor. I was told what foods to avoid, I was able to ask questions, and then we went to get an ultrasound. I was so excited! I could see my little baby on the screen, but after looking around the doctor decided to do an ultrasound through the cervix because he wasn’t sure of the heartbeat. The doctor made comments that were concerning, “How far along are we supposed to be?”
The nurse responded, “About 9 weeks.”
“Hmmm, I am not finding the heartbeat.”
After a few more minutes of looking around, the doctor apologized and said he could not find a heartbeat and that the fetus stopped growing at 7 weeks, approximately 2 weeks ago. My body hadn’t registered that the fetus was dead and so I had a few options: scheduling a surgery to remove it, taking a medication and passing it at home, or I could wait to see if my body would expel it naturally (however, waiting could cause other complications). The doctor said that at my stage it would be easiest and most cost effective to do it with medication at home. With little thought, I decided to take the medication and have the miscarriage at home… And that’s where I’m at now. Writing this. I’m processing this information, waiting for the medication to be at the pharmacy, texting some of my family and friends the sad news… I’ve only cried a little bit so far. I’m kind of in shock. I’m still extremely hopeful for the future, which is keeping me going, but for now, I feel sad, disappointed, and a little anxious about the physical pain associated with the miscarriage. I know miscarriages are incredibly common, but I just never imagined it could happen to me. It just kind of sucks.
March 30th, 6pm — I pick up the medication from the pharmacy. I nearly became emotional as I asked the pharmacist how it worked. When I got home, I decided that I wanted to enjoy “a last meal” before I start it. Per my request, Tarron made me fettuccine alfredo, which I enjoyed immensely as a comfort food. After dinner, I took a little time to mentally prepare (meaning I was anxious and scared to start so I procrastinated a little).
The Beginning of the End — The Miscarriage.
March 30th, 8pm — I insert the medication: 4 chalky pills into my vagina. I pushed each one in, one at a time, trying to get them at least an inch-length inside. After inserting the 4th one, and pulling out my pointer finger, I immediately see signs of fresh blood on it. I decided to distract myself and watch a movie. I experienced quite a bit of lower abdominal cramping, but thought, “this isn’t too bad”. The pain seems tolerable.
11pm — I can feel something big getting ready to emerge from my vagina. I rush to the toilet, drop my pants and underwear to the floor, and sit down. No blood on the pad? I’m a little confused, but the next thing I know, I pushed out something big. “Plop!” My first large blood clot plopped into the toilet. Against my better judgment, I immediately looked between my legs. My eyes immediately began to swell and water. I covered my mouth with my hand, hoping that would prevent me from wailing. It was the shape that my baby would’ve been at in my stage — an asymmetrical bean shape. I think that’s my baby. There is blood clot surrounding it so I can only distinguish the shape, but I feel that’s it. My body starts to shake as I cry. I hunch over and try to hold myself. That’s my baby. It feels wrong to hear a plop, knowing my little one will get flushed like a goldfish or worse — like waste. It wasn’t a waste to me. It was my future baby. And just like that, I get up… flush… gone! I try not to let it bother me. It does. I return to distractions.
12am — I try to get ready for bed. As soon as I walked into the bathroom, another urge, another plop. The look of this one was much less distinguishable, but my body still shaked and ached as I sat there. The blood clot was thick and stringy and there was no fresh blood. I cleaned up and started brushing my teeth. I thought, “I wonder if I’ll still gag?” While I was pregnant, I would often gag and throw up while trying to brush my teeth. Not even seconds after the thought and the start of my brushing, I gagged, coughed, and felt another something ready to burst out. Again I rushed onto the toilet, “plop!”. That was emotionally triggering. What was once the gagging caused by what I thought was a hopeful and successful pregnancy, was now a cruel reminder that it was over.
2am — By now I have rested, gotten up about two other times to dispel small clots. This though, was the hardest part. At 2am on March 31st, I had to push out my placenta. I awoke suddenly because I felt something big was about to happen. I rushed to the bathroom and felt some blood clots as well as fresh blood dripping down from my vaginal canal. I knew there was something more though. It felt like something was stuck. After a few moments of just sitting there on the toilet doing nothing, my body naturally pushed something down a little father. Again, against my better judgement, I looked between my legs. I see something, thick, kind of wrinkled, kind of brownish tan-looking with lots of clotted blood attached to it just hanging — dangling down towards the toilet bowl but not dropping. It felt wrong to touch it or to try to pull on it. I wasn’t sure if it would hurt. I naturally thought “push”, as I imagine I would do in labor. I slowly tried pushing with more gusto when nothing was happening. Eventually, I pushed hard enough to get out a fart and then, “Plop!”. There it was. It looked big for my baby being so small. The surface area looked like a two-dimensional ball, smaller than a baseball, but still large enough in stature to make it hard to look at. My pain level through all of this was incredibly manageable. I felt cramping in my lower abdomen which was stronger than a menstrual cycle, but I never felt the need for painkillers. My emotions however, have been up and down. At this moment, I feel emotional. That was it. The remnants of my baby? Gone. All flushed away in a matter of hours. I am teary-eyed, but so tired. I try to sleep. I am shivering and shaking so I wake Tarron enough to hold me and comfort me for a while.
The Morning After
March 31st, 6am- I woke up suddenly because I felt some cramping and then a gush. I rushed to the bathroom to see that my pad was full of fresh blood within seconds. I just sat on the toilet for a while and let myself leak out. It was disturbing to see that much blood. In a couple more hours, I will be able to use tampons and it should feel like a period from here on out. At least that is what I tell myself.
8am — Tarron started work, I stayed in bed longer to rest.
9am — I got up to use the restroom and texted my boss saying I’d be late, but would try to be there by noon. I know my boss would give me the day off if I needed it, but I thought I could handle a half-day at work and thought a new environment, some fresh air, and a little distraction could be good.
It was difficult when a few coworkers asked how I was doing. I responded blatantly, “I am not feeling great today.” If they asked why, I was honest, “I had a miscarriage last night.” Everyone who asked responded the same, “I’m so sorry. I’m here if you need anything.” I personally think this response is natural and I don’t mind it. Who wouldn’t want to express sympathy and offer help to someone who just experienced loss? I’m sure I would and will respond the same to others in the future, but it makes me think, “what do I need?”, “what are my emotional needs?”, “Is there something people can do to help?”. I’m still figuring that out.
Telling people about my miscarriage was difficult. It made it real. It was vocally accepting that I had lost my baby. On the other hand, having other people know about it also made me feel less alone. I felt some of my burden being lifted just having other people know about my experience. Having them know I was miserable and in need of kindness and sympathy. I have a coworker whose wife had experienced the exact same thing I did — just two weeks ago. It was comforting to me to know someone else could relate to my same fresh and raw feelings of loss.
Something I didn’t know I needed was flowers. I was sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers on the day I would start my miscarriage. I walk by them and they don’t remind me of what I lost, they remind me that I’m loved. So, if you know someone who is struggling and you ask them what you can do for them and they say, “I don’t know?” or they say, “Nothing, I’m okay,” they probably don’t know what they need or what could make it better, but a kind gesture will make a difference! Buy them flowers, send them a “thinking of you” card, send them a care package, send them a text, or make them cookies… Do whatever you are able to do and feel might help. Experiencing small gestures of kindness, for me, has been the best medicine. And honestly, I didn’t respond to every text message or every act of kindness because I didn’t feel ready to talk to everyone, but I appreciated every single one!
The Days Following — Many Ups and Downs
Apr1st — The abdominal cramps are gone. My bleeding now resembles that of a normal to light menstruation. I was able to sleep last night, soundly. I have an appetite and feel energized enough to start lightly exercising again. Sad thoughts still cross my mind. It pains me to think that when I told some people I was pregnant, my baby was already dead inside me and I just didn’t know it. It pains me to think about how I’ll feel if I get to my due date (Oct 31st) and I’m not pregnant. It pains me to think about how I will have to wait an unknown amount of time to have the family I was so excited to have. It pains me to brush my teeth because it reminds me of the nausea and pain I’d gladly take back if only I could still be pregnant and have my baby.
Despite the pain and sadness, I’ve also felt so much love from friends and family.
I’ve also felt relief. I’m relieved that I don’t have morning sickness. I’m relieved that I have the energy to make my own food and that I enjoy food! I’m relieved that my food aversions are gone! I’m relieved that I can exercise. I’m relieved that my miscarriage is over and I don’t have to dread about what it might be like. I’m relieved that I’ll be able to enjoy the nice weather we are having and that I’ll have the energy to go on hikes! I’m relieved to know that my body can be pregnant and that I’ll have good chances in the future.
My emotions definitely ebb and flow, and I imagine they will for a while, but I finished the hardest part! I know I will be okay!
Apr 2nd — I felt pretty good most of the day. I worked almost a full 8 hour shift and when I got home, Tarron and I decided to eat out and go for a walk. During the walk however, I started to feel painful cramping. We immediately walked to the car and drove home. When I got home, I went to the restroom and saw I had bled through my tampon, underwear, and jeans. My blood flow had gone from light to heavy in a matter of moments. The worst was not over! The pain was just beginning…
Apr 3rd — My bleeding has increased and I am experiencing painful cramping. I feel that it’s worse than when the miscarriage was happening. I’m not crying (yet) but I feel a lot of sharp pains in my lower abdomen and vagina. I spent most of my day laying down on the couch, feeling miserable, and keeping a heating pad on my stomach and pelvic region. I am not usually one to whine or complain, but I definitely have been at least a little bit in an attempt to have Tarron understand how I’m feeling. I’m sure he has an idea though — I don’t think I’ve ever grimaced so much. I’m relieved today was a Saturday and that I didn’t have work.
Apr 4th — Continued heavy bleeding and painful cramping. I lay helpless on the couch with my heating pad and finally took pain medication. It’s overwhelming to feel such pain and for what?
Apr 6th — My bleeding has lessened significantly and so have the cramps. Today was more difficult mentally because I’d stop and think, “It was a week ago today that I learned my baby was dead.” Luckily, I had planned ahead and made sure I wouldn’t be left alone with my thoughts. I spent time with friends today after work and I had an enjoyable evening.
My sweet wonderful husband surprised me by planning some small spontaneous weekend trips so I’d have something fun to look forward to each month that I’d have to wait before we can start trying again.
Apr 8th — My mental and physical state have improved. My bleeding is very light and if I experience cramps they are minor and don’t last very long. I haven’t been thinking about the miscarriage much and have been looking forward to the fun trips and dates Tarron and I have planned with each other and friends. I’ve slowly been adding light exercise back into my daily routine and I’ll be excited for the day when I stop bleeding. It’s been odd — bleeding so much with so many different textures… It’s gross! At this point it feels mostly sticky with occasional blood clots and sometimes fresh blood.
Since there is nothing I could’ve done to change the outcome, I’m trying not to dwell on what could’ve been — I’m trying to look forward and live my life.
Apr 10th — It is amazing how quickly emotions turn. I was perfectly fine on the 8th and then last night I had a mental breakdown. I felt overly tired, I couldn’t sleep, and I just cried for hours and thought the worst of myself. I can see why Postpartum Depression is a thing… When you are so tired, everything seems terrible. The build-up of the pregnancy and miscarriage — not feeling like myself for over a month, being tired all the time and having no energy, being sick, not exercising or eating healthy, having so much pain and bleeding from the miscarriage, still not being able to sleep, and having such heartbreak and not really understanding what could make it better other than a successful pregnancy next time (assuming that happens) — it’s a perfect recipe for a disastrous night. I felt inadequate, insecure, unattractive, and disappointed with how my life has turned out so far. Of course I am very happy in my marriage and I think that is the best part of my life, but as soon as I start comparing my own life to that of my husband’s — I feel like a failure. On paper, I was rejected from Grad school, I have a non glamorous and low paying job, I don’t know what I want, my emotions are everywhere, and I can’t even make a baby right… (Not to say that I won’t ever, but it certainly feels that way in the moment). Tarron, on paper, has essentially fulfilled his major life goals— graduating with a Masters Degree, being able to provide for his family, having a job he enjoys, getting married (to an amazing wife despite her flaws), and he still has the goal of becoming a parent, but that goal is kind of dependent on my success… Furthermore, despite any and all of Tarron’s trials, he dances through life! He makes it look easy! When life tries to get him down, he just moves on and has hope. He tries to work on the things he can control and he has faith that everything else will work out eventually. He tries not to worry and is a happy guy. It’s a quality that I absolutely love and adore about him and I think it makes us well balanced — I hope to emulate that quality — but in my pain, I grieve because of it.
He is so successful and emotionally whole right now… I feel like a hot mess.
All I’m saying is, if we were to get a divorce, I feel Tarron would be the more attractive candidate to get remarried. He would be a GREAT catch. I don’t feel like a good catch right now.
It makes sense that the miscarriage would be easier for Tarron, but it’s still hard to be alone in my feelings. He doesn’t feel that same emotional loss I feel… He didn’t feel the morning sickness and tiredness. He wasn’t awake all night trying to pass what would’ve been his first born child. He didn’t see or feel the blood, the clots. He didn’t feel pain. He didn’t feel that same excitement and then utter disappointment when it was gone… Just me.
Tarron has been incredibly kind and patient throughout this entire experience and he tries very hard to be understanding. He has been willing to give as much as he can — He cooked and cleaned and worked while I was pregnant. He was happy to hold me in the middle of the night during my miscarriage when I woke him. He has been thoughtful and attentive as he listens to me express my pains, and I know it’s hard for him to just watch me suffer, but somehow it still hurts that he can’t feel my feelings with me when I want him to so badly. I want the person I love the most to truly be able to empathize with me — not just sympathize.
I feel comfort in knowing other women can relate to me. With how common miscarriages are, I know many women in my own life who have experienced them. Some of them have had to endure them many times. But for many of them, it was a while ago and they’ve since moved on, had other kids, and are satisfied with their lives. They never forget, but they seem whole and healed. It gives me hope, but isn’t great at making me feel less alone in my fresh and raw feelings of now.
I also feel, that while miscarriages affect everyone differently, for me, a miscarriage would’ve been easier if I had already had a child to be grateful for, to be distracted by, and I’d already have been fulfilling my goal of becoming a mother. Not to belittle anyone’s feelings who has or is having a miscarriage when they currently have little ones — I can’t imagine the strength it takes to care for your little ones, with no break, having had a loss and being in pain, but the responsibilities don’t stop.
That also seems incredibly hard! I only speak for myself, but I wish so badly to have had a child during this experience. At least I’d have one.
I am still extremely hopeful for the future. I know God loves me and I know that He wants me to be happy. I know that in this life or the next, I’ll be able to have children and an eternal family. I’m really not worried when I give myself time to reflect on the big picture, but it’s still hard sometimes.
I genuinely felt better when I woke up in the morning. I told Tarron all about my thoughts and feelings of the night. Then, I went for a walk with Tarron, cleaned the house, and we got ready to spend time with friends. We made food together, talked, and had a bonfire and s’mores. It was a really fun evening!
Apr 11th — I was hoping to be done bleeding today. I only had colored discharge when I woke up this morning, but started bleeding a little more mid-day. Darn it! But, I feel okay emotionally and physically today. I’m ready to make it a good day! Tarron and I spent time with friends and we played games. It felt really nice!
Apr 12th — Today was a fine day. I worked a full day. Still lightly bleeding, but I’m okay.
My Follow Up Appointment — 2 Weeks Later
Apr 13th — Today I had my check-up appointment with the OBGYN to make sure that I’m good to go. I felt a little emotional driving down there. I remembered just two weeks ago I was eating tater tots with Tarron; we were cruising in the car excited to get to my first Doctor’s appointment to check on the baby. Now there is no baby. I’m just making sure that I’m empty… I was hoping to be empty though. If I couldn’t change the outcome, then at least let me be healthy and ready to heal! Fortunately, I was. There is the tiniest amount of blood still up there that needs to come out, but that should come out naturally and soon. The Doctor made me promise him that if I had more bad days then good (emotionally) that I’d reach out to him. I promised him I would, but I think I’ll be okay.
Going forward, my plan is to wait at least two menstrual cycles before trying again. That way I can be sure that I’m physically healed and it’ll give me a little more time to emotionally heal and prepare in case this happens again.
Tarron and I are going on a getaway trip together to Arches National Park so I’ll be excited for the fresh air and hiking that awaits!!
Positive Lessons I’ve Learned
My mother had asked me, “What have you learned from this?”
I thought it was an interesting question, and having had more time to ponder and reflect, I feel these are the main lessons I’ve learned so far:
1. Pregnancy and childbearing are truly a miracle! I will not take my future pregnancies or children for granted! I understand that it’s possible for me to have many more miscarriages and so if I ever make it to term and have a healthy sweet baby at the end —I know that is a blessing.
2. Kindness helped me a lot during my miscarriage, so I will try to be kind and to make gestures when I know others are having a hard time!
3. Whatever my experience is, it’s going to be different from other people’s experiences. Some woman may feel more relief, others more grief. Having different feelings is okay. I appreciated that when others asked me about my miscarriage they didn’t assume anything. They let me share as much as I was comfortable sharing, and then they validated my feelings. They never chimed in about how their miscarriage was harder… They listened. I want to be better at listening and validating others feelings.
4. I survived so I know I can overcome hard things! So far my journey has been filled with ups and downs and turns, but I know my journey is far from over. There will be a great view at the end of my life, and it’ll be me seeing how far I’ve come. I hope to look back and appreciate this experience — seeing all the ways it’s changed me for the better. In order to do that, I’ve got to keep going and allow myself to see the positive ways I can change and learn from this experience.
